Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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