As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
my poor anus
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
