this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
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I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
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Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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