I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
