you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
