6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
