Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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