seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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