My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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