i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
