So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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