I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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