Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
