My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize