watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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