Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
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I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
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You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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