dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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