I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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