everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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