NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Boobs are out for the taking
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
