we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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