I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
