the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
