I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
