We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
