Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
