i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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