This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I am naked and annoyed.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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