4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
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