God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
