I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
