i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
