If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
