what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
