I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
