wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
