i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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