I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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