I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
