I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
