My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
i now understand why vodka
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
