I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
