Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
