I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
