Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
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