Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
