I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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