Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
i love accidental penises.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Randomize
