and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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