So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
