I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
