Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
