If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
