Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
