Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
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At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
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There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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