i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
