Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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