Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
