Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Everyone says I win the strip club
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
