We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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