Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
