I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
