just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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