omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
