I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
