Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize