my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
