I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
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