What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
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